This is where I’ll share some of my other writing (maybe some fiction, little essays here and there, but let’s all pray to the great Aztec god of wisdom Quetzalcoatl I don’t put up any poems).
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How to Observe A Common Housefly (Published 2009 in Quarto, a Columbia literary magazine)
Copyright (c) Matt Herzfeld, 2009 (Don’t steal, kids!)
I was told this by an expert on houseflies. The common black housefly has quite intricate small bits. You can get a general sense of things through a microscope, but it distorts the image. The glass lenses focus on one part or the other in portions slightly askew from reality. The only real way to observe the common black housefly is up close, through the naked eye. This involves a partner who, using clothespins, can pry your stronger eye open (we all have a stronger eye, usually either the right or the left). After your partner has assisted, he/she must leave the room so as not to scare away the fly. You lie down on your back, head facing up, with an open jar of peanut butter next to you. Using your index finger, scoop a small bit of the peanut butter onto the tip and gently daub it on your eye. This is no more difficult than putting in contact lenses, but be sure to daub the peanut butter in the corner of your eye to minimize your reduced vision. The peanut butter should, after a few minutes, attract a common black housefly, who will land directly over your pupil while feeding. This gives you approximately thirty-five seconds to observe at close range (give or take a few depending on the quantity of peanut butter). The common black housefly has very light and soft feet, so there should be no painful scratching. I have yet to try this because flies don’t really interest me that much.
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Ideas For 99 Museums
Copyright (c) Matt Herzfeld, 2014 (Don’t steal, kids!)
1. The Museum of Manufactured History
2. The Urine-Soaked Shag Rug Preservation Society
3. Cosmotologist Heritage Center
4. The Chamber of Obstructed Views
5. The Gallery of Shattered Glass
6. Shortstaff Historical House
7. Antique Inkwell Center
8. Debtors Prison Museum and Loans
9. Gallery of Forced Perspective
10. Museum of Poisonous Textiles
11. Meaning Museum
12. Inadequate Artillery Hall
13. The Museum of Invisible Spectrums
14. King Collection of Uncommon Condiments
15. Museum of Misremembered Melodies
16. The Institute of Inoperable Tumors
17. Dandruff Identification and Prevention Research Center
18. The Museum in the Trunk
19. Museum of Magazine Advertisements
20. The Orangatorium
21. The Museum of Contemporaneous Occurrences
22. International Center for Finger Painting
23. Chamber of Chips
24. Von Sheffel Zoological Society and Exotic Butchery
25. Society for the Advancement of Unobtrusive Facial Hair
26. Psychological Desperation Society
27. The Landmark Lice Building
28. The Hall of Discarded Organs
29. Petrified Bowel Conservancy
30. The Museum of Gynecological Evasion
31. Orphaned Blowfish Aide Society
32. The Prehistoric Audio Archive
33. The Vegan Taxidermological Showroom
34. American Museum of Distinct Untruths
35. Bulgarian Veterinary Association and Archives
36. Stanley Jacobs Memorial Center for the Rehabilitation of Stanley Jacobs
37. The Database of Typographical Errers
38. The Library of Loose Page 53s
39. Come In Museum
40. The Repository of Torn Photographs
41. Foggy Spot on the Cliffs Visitor Center
42. The Garden of Disembodied Odor
43. The Institute for Discarded Religion
44. Dr. Dim’s Lightning Museum
45. Seal-Squatting Information and Research Center
46. Museum of Moving Platforms
47. Colby Bennett’s Famous Earwax Museum
48. The National Vietnam Memorial and Funfair
49. The Museum of Pseudoscience and Faulty Technology
50. Soiled Feline Sanctuary
51. The Museum of Shade
52. The Institute of Infidels
53. Boise Museum of Mulch
54. Compton Calligraphy Centre
55. The Mother Museum
56. Blow Gallery
57. Fizzy Water Reservoir and Research Center
58. Haberdasher Hall
59. Museum of Mistaken Mistletoe
60. The Aquarium of Melted Snowmen
61. Harlequin Hall
62. Simian Cinemathque
63. Institute for Unnecessary Electric Shocks
64. The Museum Under the Bridge
65. The Institute for Advanced Study of Demonic Children
66. Hall of Cohabitation and Coagulation
67. Autoerotic Art Museum
68. The Little Village of Brn-Myr-Shal-Wyckoffin-Saly-Shew Historical Society
69. Outgrowing Gallery
70. Academic Anxiety Annex and Research Center
71. The Hall of Half-Remembrances
72. The Museum of Appalling Design
73. National Hitball Hall of Fame
74. Lapido Pesadoros Memorial Aviary
75. Beansy Collection of Contemporary In-Flight Art
76. Further Action Needed Library and Museum
77. Find a Friend Museum
78. Wet-Nurse Identification Archives and Research Center
79. Bippy Collection of Old-Time Carnival Amusements and Disgruntled Circus Performers
80. Spatial Reconfiguration Lodge
81. Canton Psychic House
82. Broken String Museum
83. Museum of Moral Choice
84. Institute for the Reintroduction of Discontinued Snack Foods
85. Lambchop House
86. Grasslands Museum of the Interior
87. The Institute of Infidelity
88. Kandinsky Depreciation Society
89. Pavilion of Post-Its
90. The British Museum of Africa
91. The Hall of Knapsacks
92. The Museum Around the Corner
93. The Institute for Unanswerable Riddles
94. Society for Razing Historical Landmarks
95. New Museum of Distinguished Lecterns
96. The Bloody War Museum
97. The Center for Unique Monograms
98. Institute of Inappropriate Massage
99. The Museum of Matter
