Other Writing

This is where I’ll share some of my other writing (maybe some fiction, little essays here and there, but let’s all pray to the great Aztec god of wisdom Quetzalcoatl I don’t put up any poems).

 

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How to Observe A Common Housefly (Published 2009 in Quarto, a Columbia literary magazine)

Copyright (c) Matt Herzfeld, 2009 (Don’t steal, kids!)

I was told this by an expert on houseflies. The common black housefly has quite intricate small bits. You can get a general sense of things through a microscope, but it distorts the image. The glass lenses focus on one part or the other in portions slightly askew from reality. The only real way to observe the common black housefly is up close, through the naked eye. This involves a partner who, using clothespins, can pry your stronger eye open (we all have a stronger eye, usually either the right or the left). After your partner has assisted, he/she must leave the room so as not to scare away the fly. You lie down on your back, head facing up, with an open jar of peanut butter next to you. Using your index finger, scoop a small bit of the peanut butter onto the tip and gently daub it on your eye. This is no more difficult than putting in contact lenses, but be sure to daub the peanut butter in the corner of your eye to minimize your reduced vision. The peanut butter should, after a few minutes, attract a common black housefly, who will land directly over your pupil while feeding. This gives you approximately thirty-five seconds to observe at close range (give or take a few depending on the quantity of peanut butter). The common black housefly has very light and soft feet, so there should be no painful scratching. I have yet to try this because flies don’t really interest me that much.

 

XXX

 

Ideas For 99 Museums

Copyright (c) Matt Herzfeld, 2014 (Don’t steal, kids!)

1. The Museum of Manufactured History

2. The Urine-Soaked Shag Rug Preservation Society

3. Cosmotologist Heritage Center

4. The Chamber of Obstructed Views

5. The Gallery of Shattered Glass

6. Shortstaff Historical House

7. Antique Inkwell Center

8. Debtors Prison Museum and Loans

9. Gallery of Forced Perspective

10. Museum of Poisonous Textiles

11. Meaning Museum

12. Inadequate Artillery Hall

13. The Museum of Invisible Spectrums

14. King Collection of Uncommon Condiments

15. Museum of Misremembered Melodies

16. The Institute of Inoperable Tumors

17. Dandruff Identification and Prevention Research Center

18. The Museum in the Trunk

19. Museum of Magazine Advertisements

20. The Orangatorium

21. The Museum of Contemporaneous Occurrences

22. International Center for Finger Painting

23. Chamber of Chips

24. Von Sheffel Zoological Society and Exotic Butchery

25. Society for the Advancement of Unobtrusive Facial Hair

26. Psychological Desperation Society

27. The Landmark Lice Building

28. The Hall of Discarded Organs

29. Petrified Bowel Conservancy

30. The Museum of Gynecological Evasion

31. Orphaned Blowfish Aide Society

32. The Prehistoric Audio Archive

33. The Vegan Taxidermological Showroom

34. American Museum of Distinct Untruths

35. Bulgarian Veterinary Association and Archives

36. Stanley Jacobs Memorial Center for the Rehabilitation of Stanley Jacobs

37. The Database of Typographical Errers

38. The Library of Loose Page 53s

39. Come In Museum

40. The Repository of Torn Photographs

41. Foggy Spot on the Cliffs Visitor Center

42. The Garden of Disembodied Odor

43. The Institute for Discarded Religion

44. Dr. Dim’s Lightning Museum

45. Seal-Squatting Information and Research Center

46. Museum of Moving Platforms

47. Colby Bennett’s Famous Earwax Museum

48. The National Vietnam Memorial and Funfair

49. The Museum of Pseudoscience and Faulty Technology

50. Soiled Feline Sanctuary

51. The Museum of Shade

52. The Institute of Infidels

53. Boise Museum of Mulch

54. Compton Calligraphy Centre

55. The Mother Museum

56. Blow Gallery

57. Fizzy Water Reservoir and Research Center

58. Haberdasher Hall

59. Museum of Mistaken Mistletoe

60. The Aquarium of Melted Snowmen

61. Harlequin Hall

62. Simian Cinemathque

63. Institute for Unnecessary Electric Shocks

64. The Museum Under the Bridge

65. The Institute for Advanced Study of Demonic Children

66. Hall of Cohabitation and Coagulation

67. Autoerotic Art Museum

68. The Little Village of Brn-Myr-Shal-Wyckoffin-Saly-Shew Historical Society

69. Outgrowing Gallery

70. Academic Anxiety Annex and Research Center

71. The Hall of Half-Remembrances

72. The Museum of Appalling Design

73. National Hitball Hall of Fame

74. Lapido Pesadoros Memorial Aviary

75. Beansy Collection of Contemporary In-Flight Art

76. Further Action Needed Library and Museum

77. Find a Friend Museum

78. Wet-Nurse Identification Archives and Research Center

79. Bippy Collection of Old-Time Carnival Amusements and Disgruntled Circus Performers

80. Spatial Reconfiguration Lodge

81. Canton Psychic House

82. Broken String Museum

83. Museum of Moral Choice

84. Institute for the Reintroduction of Discontinued Snack Foods

85. Lambchop House

86. Grasslands Museum of the Interior

87. The Institute of Infidelity

88. Kandinsky Depreciation Society

89. Pavilion of Post-Its

90. The British Museum of Africa

91. The Hall of Knapsacks

92. The Museum Around the Corner

93. The Institute for Unanswerable Riddles

94. Society for Razing Historical Landmarks

95. New Museum of Distinguished Lecterns

96. The Bloody War Museum

97. The Center for Unique Monograms

98. Institute of Inappropriate Massage

99. The Museum of Matter

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